My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
