The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
