so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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