Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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