the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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