My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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