i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
