You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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