If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
