So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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