she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
