Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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