the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
