I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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