i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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