Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
