im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
