I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
