dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
