If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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