Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
