Your face is a jimmy john
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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