he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
