I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
