we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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