Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
