You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
