Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
