i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
