Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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