I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
