matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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