I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
