: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
