I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
