i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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