You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
