So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
