Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
