My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
