I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
