haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
