I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
