he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
