hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
