At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
