i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
