It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
