My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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