is wine microwaveable?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
